+ Do you ever wonder what your life looks like through someone else's eyes?
Hi, I'm Int. Age 19. I do love arts and cats. Also a coffee,chocolate chip cookies and Harry Potter obsessed. I blog about what i loved to and sometimes my writing got lost from radar, so if you find it awful that makes your blood boil, just let me know.
blog name: int.co
online:
of:
owner: int.
followers: ++
Saturday, October 28, 2017 at 6:14 PM with 0 comment(s)




The clock has strikes past twelve, but I'm still wide awake. I ate(heavy meal-dinner, treat, farewell party) for three times in a row, and the last time I finished eating was at 12.30, so the idea of going bed directly wasn't a brilliant idea. 


Thinking of date, I'm feeling a bit exuberant to know that October is going to sail away. *sigh*. During these few weeks, I was cracking and got lost from radar. I looked so pathetic and lethargic yet I tried pushing myself to embrace the positiveness. I tried, at least. But I just can't help myself. 

//October in Retrospective.//

As I'm cocksure people know where I'm studying right now, so must they know the struggles and tribulations I'm dealing in everyday life( I'm not saying all the people (whose boats are the same with me) facing the same problems, it is just the prologue of my own story). Long-distance familyship, the studies, the weather, all the issues are totally novel for me. After for exactly six months and half, I got so confused and worried sick about my survival here. The class for 2017 university intake has already started, but my language class is yet to finish(I will only be able to enter the university legally on November if I'm not mistaken). And from what I have been told, the semester 1 exam will be held on Jan 3rd. I'm nervous. I'm scared if I can't do well and shine brightly during the exam due to the lack of preparation (I even don't finish purchasing the books). Lololol I keep questioning myself then. 


The language class. Currently I'm taking a preparation class for Arabic language in Shaykh Zayed Center for Teaching Arabic to Non-Natives. I first took the class on May 18th, and this month is the last class and was actually the determinant for me to be able to get a place in university. Yes but, to get what you want, you must first be patience with what you have, I guess. I don't know how to explain this in a decent and eloquent way, but I was too tired and I just want it to end badly. Everything is different and to be honest, I loathe it. I found myself having a hard times and crying  tensely for the sudden decisions that I chose- studying in Middle East, and having to use the Arabic language as the main language to communicate. I personally texted my father and purged all the remorse feeling of me learning Arabic because my dream at first place was to continue studies in English course or history. I told him that my mind works like a snail pace and I hate pressures. I feel surrender. I feel like wanted to quit and not pursuing this path for more longer. The lecturing, the nervy heart, the deadline of the assignment, the rejection, the mocking, I really want it to end as soon as possible. And if I had to face it again, my answer will be NO. Hoping that the rainbow will appear soon. One week left to sit in this class. I really want to end it in an unscathed way, really do. 

Following the hard times, I suffered from a weight-gained and breakouts problem. Again, I failed to utilize my system. I seriously dont know how to inspire myself. As a girl, sometimes I do want to look pretty (or at least healthy), though I don't have any luck. I am suffocated. My self-esteem fluctuates 24/7. There's a day I feel a bit confident to go out to class or buying groceries or to dress nicely, and there's day I just locked myself in my room. My friends noticed about my physical changes and didn't realise that it was me at first. I was butthurt, seriously. It is not that I don't tried to styled and fashioned myself, but I look worst, so much. I wondered how other girls managed to help and better themselves. Everything I used and wear seemed to not working to me. I don't have my own identity anymore. I'm nervous, like real. I'm a girl, too. Or maybe I'm still not ready, as we all get things when we are fully ready for it. Bad, good, who knows. 

Despite of the sorrowness, October is stil going to be my top favourite month. My mother and grandfather were born in this month. How I am super excited to celebrate along the dates. Also, I got to visit one of the historical buildings located in Cairo. For sure, the moment will be remembered.







;)



EDITED:
-The time has passed. Alhamdulillah for everything. I managed to end my language class unscathed-ly. Who knows, I was duped into believing that the class was totally hell but actually my teacher has her own reasons for the madness. (Some of the) promises she made to placate us worked wonder and her lectures was such clear and lucid.(I admit it). It is easy to understand now and even the assignment could be done easily.

Also, I have entered the university. Again, wish me well.


Labels: , ,


0 comment (s) | Leave your comment(s)
Thursday, September 21, 2017 at 2:15 PM with 2 comment(s)



Hi and Assalamualaikum wbt. 

As someone who is not-so-naturally calm and quite (I talk nonsense pretty much sometimes) and rather subdued temperament, I would be bluffing if I said I dont feel furious when reading news concerning Malaysia. However, I view  something that recently happened in Malaysia as such a *blessing and calamity* respectively. How at first, to our own dismay, we heard about the pre-dawn horrific fire at the religious boarding school on Thursday that resulted almost twenty-one students and two teachers died in the blaze after the fire blocked the only exit from the dormitory. To reveal the culprits, seven were arrested in connection with the school fire and the biggest shocker was that they were all who range in age from 11 to 18 and were "school leavers and dropouts." At first,  public believed it was caused by some disservice act due to the dissension from some ah long (correct me if I'm wrong),  but the assumption went astray - the seven suspects intentionally  starting the deadly blaze as they were 'mocked' by the students before, and to our another dismay, six of them had drugs in their system. Fret not, I'm not going to divulge profoundly upon this both ordeal and forlorn September tragedy. 


In the most positive thinking, I would like to manifest on what I have starred above. If you are reading this post, bear in mind that I'm going to rant about the conspicuous enlightenment. Ready?


A little retrospect regarding this tragic issue, people don't really miss the chance to speak up their outlooks and perspectives, leaving comments which aren't necessarily based on fact or knowledge but however, the judgements appear to condemn one another using most inappropriate ethic,  looks like the people personally enjoyed the careless writing grooves. Everyone jostled to prove their own points, they feel like they were perfectly true and finally get swallowed up in their ego. Hostile words were thrown at each other as if they were in a wild riot. This is not a mere squabble or altercations, people got to know the evil discontentment and went through mental assault, and trust me, it was enough to drag the person into dejection and leaving him/her traumatised and cry for days until their eyes were spent. My fellow readers, you are ought to not being ignorant to disregard what you are about to write in socmeds. Never let yourself succumbed to your moods. Spread positivity, not hatred. Because at the end of the day, you can never be able to erase the feeling of remorse inside you. (I'M TALKING ABOUT HOW CERTAIN PEOPLE SO AGGRESSIVE AND SHAMELESSLY POINTING BLAME AT ONE PERSON WITHOUT KNOWING THE UNERRING TRUTH). "O you who believe! If a Faasiq(liar-evil person) comes to you with any news, verify it, lest you should harm people in ignorance,  and afterwards you become regretful for what you have done." (Al-Hujurat 49:6)


Let's jump to the main erudition that has been bold to all of us.

1)Life without guidance- Quran is totally a futile. All of the victims were 'hafiz'- person who memorized Kalamullah. It is time actually for reflection to us. "Verily Allah does not take away knowledge by snatching it from the people but He takes away knowledge by taking away the scholars, so that when He leaves no learned person, people turn to the ignorant as their leaders, then they are asked to deliver religious verdicts and they deliver them without knowledge, they go astray and lead others astray. (Sahih Bukhari). This is indeed a scary hadith to whom who believed in it. Their demise gave a warning to us to treasure and take care of the knowledge we have, be it knowledge concerning Islam, its belief or its rules( Shari'ah).

2)The awareness of the public (PM, public figures and to mention but few) to donate their things and raise funds for the reliability and soundness of the religious education haven. (This is so far so good,  finally people open up their eyes).

3)Our generations now are so sick. Parents ought to make a formidable force in raising their children. The idea of not letting teachers give a punishment to their kids for good matter is really awful, I tell ya. Like, teachers aren't going to punish for unclear reasons, unless the students make mistakes. Raising children is not as easy as counting 1 to 10, it costs a sacrifice and it isn't only a half-arse care.  For every drop of blood,  sweat and tears being profusely drawn out in the process of developing at least a decent prepubescent child,  it is clear an adequate effort that parents had put in to better their children. Curfew is a good idea to start with, in order to control the children movement. Let say, if the curfew start at 7p.m, it helps to tackle the issue of nocturnal kids that spotted loitering around doing unhealthy activities -smoking, making fuss in the residential area and some are worse, caught having promiscuity and taking drugs.

4)This is the most tensional part. SMOKE. It is clear that cigarette can cause a serious addiction and contains conspicuous deleterious features and has no benefits to mankind. I just can't brain why there aren't any authorities volunteer to ban this devil for goodness sake. Shame is on us. Smoking cigarettes and consuming drugs(if taken beyond prescription) are dangerous and they should be banned no matter what. Allah said, "Do not throw yourself into destruction with your own hands.". (Al-Baqarah 2:195)


All in all, I was so touched with the equanimity of the parents' victims albeit the ordeal enshrouded them and left perpetual mark. I'm sure it took a lot of consolation and appeasement from their relatives to dodge the sadness. The greatest reward comes with the greatest trial, In shaa Allah.

Allah knows best.

(I wrote this as one of the steps to ameliorate myself, too)



Labels: , ,


2 comment (s) | Leave your comment(s)
Monday, September 4, 2017 at 10:47 AM with 8 comment(s)






"How I wish to possess their pretty sunflower eyes, their coy innocent faces."
.
Saying that I never pretended to be someone else is really a great shenanigans. I guess we all do this at the same point, glad I'm not the only one. I guess so.  But why do we do it? Is is because of fear? Yeah, fear. Fear that people won't accept us for who we are. That they'll hurt us when they know our own vulnerabilities. *let out sarcastic laugh* 

Mom once told me that I am too much seeking for perfection and that I might feel pique if something isn't working on its lane. You know what, I'm not enjoying this, not even every minute of it. I knew that was a mistake, the biggest one. I was too afraid of the judgmental things and most of the times I wish to never exist in this world. It is clear that I can't accept if someone is making fun of me. You know what I mean: People making prank of every one else limits, prancing around thinking they're better just because they want to, Belittle and looking down on others. These things, you know. I can't help but feeling traumatized. I couldn't resist the mockery frustration.

I have many insecurities about myself esp about my appearance. I am but no pretty, (I've lot of scars all over my face and body), and because of this I tend to chicken out whenever I have to do something by myself. I am scared to even raise my hands up in class to ask for questions or giving solutions because I feel like everyone is going to boo-ing  me if my words are not making sense or at least being acceptable to their minds. I'm scared if I give a wrong answers and the teachers will give the worst remark about me-they will reminisce me as an ugly unflattering damsel who's unlucky enough to deserve all kind of appreciation. I never have guts to write in front of the class because my scars on fingers and at the back of my palms are too obvious. If I had to go to the front, people will notice me trying to pull my hand socks hard enough to cover my hands and of course my writing will going to be so grotesque.

I've never felt comfortable doing anything. I felt so panicked right after some boys anathematizing my weakness, laughing about my self-appearance back then I was in primary school. How the girls feeling hesitate at first place after seeing my wounds and scars. Is that good or bad? It was indeed bad for me, I simply be a pessimist, I can't speak the genuine and honest feeling of my heart, and I can't even think a witty and clever opinion in front of others.(I feel like a trash). I don't enjoy playing sports and I prefer to be invisible. I hate myself so much and I can do nothing. More like paranoia-inviting. I'm totally in vain. (All of these, I've never told my parents.) 


You know what? I look at people and I wish I had their peace of mind, wisdom, looks, their lives. How I feel my life are not in that spotlight. How I always wanted something I couldn't have. That's exactly how I feel. I felt so jealous looking at my friends' faces, like you know, they don't need to worry about the oily face, acne problems skin, all the freckles things because they basically don't have them. I cursed myself then for what I've been using for my face and cried. Also, I've crushed on a Iot of girls that I find pretty, and I silently copied them, but I turned to look gawky instead. I hate to praise myself, really hate. 

Do I still feel that way, though?

Not really. But, don't get me wrong. I'm no angel. I still have doubts and issues sometimes. I did that in the past because I didn't quite understand that the whole point was for us to be different, to be unique and exquisite in our own way.  I just did it out of ignorance and laziness. It was easier if we were, to just watch other people and envy them. It's not right . I have to do something, I can't forever be like this. Alhamdulillah, I managed to overcome my fears, to conquer it. Egypt really teaches me to be qanaah and be grateful, to (always) be ameliorate, be confident (I'm still learning) 



People judging you on your looks: that was the thing you can't control. Yes, breaking someone's heart isn't fun at all, and I really hope none of us won't be doing it to anyone else. 

I have to prove that I wasn't weak. 

"It is possible that you dislike a thing which is good for you, and that you love a thing, which is bad for you. But Allah knows, while you know not." Al-Baqarah (2:216)

May Allah heal all who are hurting. 


*If you don't mind, I really hope that you can send me some positive vibes or good quotes to heal myself. Thanks in advance.


Labels: , , ,


8 comment (s) | Leave your comment(s)