Monday, September 4, 2017 at 10:47 AM with 8 comment(s)
"How I wish to possess their pretty sunflower eyes, their coy innocent faces."
Saying that I never pretended to be someone else is really a great shenanigans. I guess we all do this at the same point, glad I'm not the only one. I guess so. But why do we do it? Is is because of fear? Yeah, fear. Fear that people won't accept us for who we are. That they'll hurt us when they know our own vulnerabilities.
*let out sarcastic laugh*
Mom once told me that I am too much seeking for perfection and that I might feel pique if something isn't working on its lane. You know what, I'm not enjoying this, not even every minute of it. I knew that was a mistake, the biggest one. I was too afraid of the judgmental things and most of the times I wish to never exist in this world. It is clear that I can't accept if someone is making fun of me. You know what I mean: People making prank of every one else limits, prancing around thinking they're better just because they want to, Belittle and looking down on others. These things, you know. I can't help but feeling traumatized. I couldn't resist the mockery frustration.
I have many insecurities about myself esp about my appearance. I am but no pretty, (I've lot of scars all over my face and body), and because of this I tend to chicken out whenever I have to do something by myself. I am scared to even raise my hands up in class to ask for questions or giving solutions because I feel like everyone is going to boo-ing me if my words are not making sense or at least being acceptable to their minds. I'm scared if I give a wrong answers and the teachers will give the worst remark about me-they will reminisce me as an ugly unflattering damsel who's unlucky enough to deserve all kind of appreciation. I never have guts to write in front of the class because my scars on fingers and at the back of my palms are too obvious. If I had to go to the front, people will notice me trying to pull my hand socks hard enough to cover my hands and of course my writing will going to be so grotesque.
I've never felt comfortable doing anything. I felt so panicked right after some boys anathematizing my weakness, laughing about my self-appearance back then I was in primary school. How the girls feeling hesitate at first place after seeing my wounds and scars. Is that good or bad? It was indeed bad for me, I simply be a pessimist, I can't speak the genuine and honest feeling of my heart, and I can't even think a witty and clever opinion in front of others.(I feel like a trash). I don't enjoy playing sports and I prefer to be invisible. I hate myself so much and I can do nothing. More like paranoia-inviting. I'm totally in vain. (All of these, I've never told my parents.)
You know what? I look at people and I wish I had their peace of mind, wisdom, looks, their lives. How I feel my life are not in that spotlight. How I always wanted something I couldn't have. That's exactly how I feel. I felt so jealous looking at my friends' faces, like you know, they don't need to worry about the oily face, acne problems skin, all the freckles things because they basically don't have them. I cursed myself then for what I've been using for my face and cried. Also, I've crushed on a Iot of girls that I find pretty, and I silently copied them, but I turned to look gawky instead. I hate to praise myself, really hate.
Do I still feel that way, though?
Not really. But, don't get me wrong. I'm no angel. I still have doubts and issues sometimes. I did that in the past because I didn't quite understand that the whole point was for us to be different, to be unique and exquisite in our own way. I just did it out of ignorance and laziness. It was easier if we were, to just watch other people and envy them. It's not right . I have to do something, I can't forever be like this. Alhamdulillah, I managed to overcome my fears, to conquer it. Egypt really teaches me to be qanaah and be grateful, to (always) be ameliorate, be confident (I'm still learning)
People judging you on your looks: that was the thing you can't control. Yes, breaking someone's heart isn't fun at all, and I really hope none of us won't be doing it to anyone else.
I have to prove that I wasn't weak.
"It is possible that you dislike a thing which is good for you, and that you love a thing, which is bad for you. But Allah knows, while you know not." Al-Baqarah (2:216)
May Allah heal all who are hurting.