October Lullaby

The clock has strikes past twelve, but I'm still wide awake. I ate(heavy meal-dinner, treat, farewell party) for three times in a row, and the last time I finished eating was at 12.30, so the idea of going bed directly wasn't a brilliant idea. 

Thinking of date, I'm feeling a bit exuberant to know that October is going to sail away. *sigh*. During these few weeks, I was cracking and got lost from radar. I looked so pathetic and lethargic yet I tried pushing myself to embrace the positiveness. I tried, at least. But I just can't help myself. 

//October in Retrospective.//

As I'm cocksure people know where I'm studying right now, so must they know the struggles and tribulations I'm dealing in everyday life( I'm not saying all the people (whose boats are the same with me) facing the same problems, it is just the prologue of my own story). Long-distance familyship, the studies, the weather, all the issues are totally novel for me. After for exactly six months and half, I got so confused and worried sick about my survival here. The class for 2017 university intake has already started, but my language class is yet to finish(I will only be able to enter the university legally on November if I'm not mistaken). And from what I have been told, the semester 1 exam will be held on Jan 3rd. I'm nervous. I'm scared if I can't do well and shine brightly during the exam due to the lack of preparation (I even don't finish purchasing the books). Lololol I keep questioning myself then. 

The language class. Currently I'm taking a preparation class for Arabic language in Shaykh Zayed Center for Teaching Arabic to Non-Natives. I first took the class on May 18th, and this month is the last class and was actually the determinant for me to be able to get a place in university. Yes but, to get what you want, you must first be patience with what you have, I guess. I don't know how to explain this in a decent and eloquent way, but I was too tired and I just want it to end badly. Everything is different and to be honest, I loathe it. I found myself having a hard times and crying  tensely for the sudden decisions that I chose- studying in Middle East, and having to use the Arabic language as the main language to communicate. I personally texted my father and purged all the remorse feeling of me learning Arabic because my dream at first place was to continue studies in English course or history. I told him that my mind works like a snail pace and I hate pressures. I feel surrender. I feel like wanted to quit and not pursuing this path for more longer. The lecturing, the nervy heart, the deadline of the assignment, the rejection, the mocking, I really want it to end as soon as possible. And if I had to face it again, my answer will be NO. Hoping that the rainbow will appear soon. One week left to sit in this class. I really want to end it in an unscathed way, really do. 

Following the hard times, I suffered from a weight-gained and breakouts problem. Again, I failed to utilize my system. I seriously dont know how to inspire myself. As a girl, sometimes I do want to look pretty (or at least healthy), though I don't have any luck. I am suffocated. My self-esteem fluctuates 24/7. There's a day I feel a bit confident to go out to class or buying groceries or to dress nicely, and there's day I just locked myself in my room. My friends noticed about my physical changes and didn't realise that it was me at first. I was butthurt, seriously. It is not that I don't tried to styled and fashioned myself, but I look worst, so much. I wondered how other girls managed to help and better themselves. Everything I used and wear seemed to not working to me. I don't have my own identity anymore. I'm nervous, like real. I'm a girl, too. Or maybe I'm still not ready, as we all get things when we are fully ready for it. Bad, good, who knows. 

Despite of the sorrowness, October is stil going to be my top favourite month. My mother and grandfather were born in this month. How I am super excited to celebrate along the dates. Also, I got to visit one of the historical buildings located in Cairo. For sure, the moment will be remembered.

;)

EDITED:
-The time has passed. Alhamdulillah for everything. I managed to end my language class unscathed-ly. Who knows, I was duped into believing that the class was totally hell but actually my teacher has her own reasons for the madness. (Some of the) promises she made to placate us worked wonder and her lectures was such clear and lucid.(I admit it). It is easy to understand now and even the assignment could be done easily.

Also, I have entered the university. Again, wish me well.