Monday, August 7, 2017 at 4:16 AM with 4 comment(s)
I was just having deep thought session about my late grandmother. I mean, I miss her. Too much and I can't put it into words. Feels like I'm homesick for a person that is no longer exist in this world. Tears are the only best way to speak up what my heart felt(al-Fatihah). Soon enough, I think of my mom. In this liken situation, she is the one who hurts most. Flashback to the time of my grandmother's funeral, I don't really have chance to witness my mom crying a river or mourning the loss while I can't stop from bawling my eyes out for days. I feel so lost and lonely, I have no more friend to count on to. I suffered from a great loss, and I can't get over it ,and to higlight the point that I will be sitting for SPM during that year, that what makes me lose balance even more. Thank God , this kind of grief didn't absorb me for a longer period and I heal myself better upon reading to my friend's message reminding me about death- the reality of Qada' and Qadr and I should never bleat about what has written in life.
From this time lapse, I discovered something exquisite about my mom. I treasured spirits inside her. All this while, mom was a persistent lady, with a bright and altruism characteristics. She knows what best for her children and her family and she will fight for it. Even when it seems to be impossible, she trusts God and work hard and take care for the possibility. She never tell us about how afraid and terrify herself felt and how she knows she's not perfect in raising us but still, she did the best. She teaches from wrong to right, will quickly fought off ennui of guiding us and sacrifices a lot. Why do I take this for granted? Mom(and dad) is everything that I need most, though I never said it often. And I still can't imagine what my life will be without them. I pray to Allah to bestow them a full and meaningful life and ease their burdens. I'm pretty sure my mom missed her mother so much and have lots of stories and problems to share with but there's only memory left as a keepsake to hold onto. She purged her feelings to her children instead, hoping that they will have quality time to understand her, discover and appreciate her presence.
Mom, of all the time, I know I've hurt you lot. I still remember how I insisted on going to proceed with Economic class while you want me to stay in Addmath class, (but I secretly wrote application letter to change class). I aware that you was upset about it, but I don't take it serious. How you feel so crazy when I don't behave well, when I failed to be at least a well-mannered girl, when I can't lead a good example to adik2, when I take easy and procrastinate in doing house chores, when I scored bad grades in exam. You were an emblematic of good mother and I am far from being your perfect child. I'm sorry I never told you how much I loved and adore you. I'm sorry I wasn't there during the time you really need me.
I thank you for tolerating my childlike ethics, for being the #1 supporter even when the storm coming its way, for ceaselessly praying for our progress and happiness, for keep making good and piquant dishes, for listening to my absurd dreams, for keep searching and purchasing the best medications for my skin disease (although the doctor once said that it is kind of life-time disease, but you still believe that it can be cured) for telling me to keep moving whenever I felt like quitting, for sending me positive vibes and good quotes when I have doubts, for taking a good care of my cats. "Then which of the favors of your Lord will you deny? " -Ar-Rahman.
Mom, I never like blue, but I don't know how to tell you because you keep buying me blue things. Mom, I often refused to attend wedding ceremony or gathering event because I am lack of confidence about my self appearance and that I feel like everyone is looking at me. Mom, I hate maths because everytime I try to solve it, I went mad. (how can I understand it when I can't even able to understand myself). Mom, my heart is vulnerable and I can't simply take on with light jokes. Mom, I don't really know how to deal and cope with my stress level and that's why I act pitiful. Mom, I love arts, and you are part of it. You are such an indescribable art invention.
Mom, don't cry. I know you're strong. I'm sure nenek was happy for having you as her daughter.