Awaken

"How I wish to possess their pretty sunflower eyes, their coy innocent faces."

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Claiming that I've never pretended to be someone else is quite a farce. I guess we all do this at the same point, glad I'm not the only one. I guess so.  But why do we do it? Is it because of fear? Yeah, fear. Fear that people won't accept us for who we are. Fear that they'll hurt us when they know our own vulnerabilities. *lets out sarcastic laugh* 

Mom once told me that I was too obsessed with  perfection and that I might feel frustrated whenever things didn't go as planned. You know what, I'm not enjoying this, not even every minute of it. I knew that was a mistake, the biggest one. I was too afraid of the judgmental things, and most of the time, I wished I could disappear from this world. It is clear that I can't stand it when someone makes fun of me. You know what I mean: People making prank of every one else limits, prancing around thinking they're better just because they want to, Belittle and looking down on others. These things, you know. I can't help but feeling traumatized. I could hardly bear the frustration of being mocked.

I have many insecurities about myself esp about my appearance. I am but no pretty, (I've lot of scars all over my face and body), and because of this I tend to chicken out whenever I have to do something by myself. I am scared to even raise my hands up in class to ask questions or offer answers because I feel like everyone is going to boo me if my words don't make sense or aren't acceptable to them. I'm scared of giving the wrong answers and having the teachers make the harshest remarks about me- I fear they will remember me as an ugly, unattractive damsel who's somehow undeserving of any appreciation. I've never had the courage to write in front of the class because the scars on my fingers and the backs of my hands are too obvious. If I had to go to the front, people will notice me desperately pulling my hand socks up to cover my hands. And of course, my writing would end up looking grotesque.

I've never felt comfortable doing anything. I felt so panicked right after some boys mocked my weakness and laughed at my self-appearance back when I was in primary school. I still remember how hesitant the girls when they first saw my wounds and scars. Was that good or bad? It was certainly bad for me. I became such a pessimist, I couldn't express the genuine and honest feeling of my heart, nor could I come up with a witty and clever opinion in front of others.(I feel like trash). I didn't enjoy playing sports and I prefer to remain invisible. I hated myself so much yet I can't do anything. More like paranoia-inviting. I felt utterly hopeless. (And all of this? I'd never told my parents.) 

You know what? I look at people and I wish I had their peace of mind, wisdom, looks, their lives. How I feel my life are not in that spotlight. How I always wanted something I couldn't have. That's exactly how I feel. I felt so jealous looking at my friends' faces, like you know, they don't need to worry about the oily face, acne problems skin, all the freckles things because they basically don't have them. I cursed myself then for what I've been using for my face and cried. Also, I've crushed on a Iot of girls that I find pretty, and I silently copied them, but I turned to look gawky instead. I hate to praise myself, really hate. 

Do I still feel that way, though?

Not really. But, don't get me wrong. I'm no angel. I still have doubts and issues sometimes. I did that in the past because I didn't quite understand that the whole point was for us to be different, to be unique and exquisite in our own way.  I just did it out of ignorance and laziness. It was easier if we were, to just watch other people and envy them. It's not right . I have to do something, I can't forever be like this. Alhamdulillah, I managed to overcome my fears, to conquer it. Egypt really teaches me to be qanaah and be grateful, to (always) be ameliorate, be confident (I'm still learning) 

People judging you on your looks: that was the thing you can't control. Yes, breaking someone's heart isn't fun at all, and I really hope none of us won't be doing it to anyone else. 

I have to prove that I wasn't weak. 

"It is possible that you dislike a thing which is good for you, and that you love a thing, which is bad for you. But Allah knows, while you know not." Al-Baqarah (2:216)

May Allah heal all who are hurting. 

*If you don't mind, I really hope that you can send me some positive vibes or good quotes to heal myself. Thanks in advance.